Waiting for what?

12am is honestly an unsafe time for women to go for a walk outside in the streets(like it safe before 12am and after 6pm),but my eccentricity has crossed the limits where it can obey and abide by the rules and regulations. The rain has just stopped pouring and the wet roads of Vizag  seems a pleasant place to hangout at night times. The streetlights accompanying me and my long creepy shadow gave me a feeling that I’m not the only one walking. I watched the freshly rain bathed trees in the VUDA park. Most of them comprising of neatly trimmed coconut trees and bushy guavas and those creepy coniferous trees which always gives me a chill down the spine. While I tried hard to fight my mental disease which I myself named it as “weird forgetfulness”. I came to a conclusion that it’s impossible. There were many which I considered under my list of problems, but then, I deduced that I myself am the problem. Various sounds at night time made my walk a little bit uneasy. “What did I do? What am I doing? What am I going to do?”. My cashmere shawl kept me warm but not warm enough to cool the mind off bemusing thoughts. For the last few months after my accident I've become opprobrious and bashful .An uncontrollable anger has set inside of me that when activated doesn't know where it goes , sometimes , ending up hurting myself. The acerbity and arrogance though inherent from my ancestors was one quality that I didn't pray for. One which is now forcing me to retire from my life. HOW? Simple medications like yoga, meditation and rehab won’t help it, because it’s already a part of my blood. The feeling of guilt wakes me up from my slumber of unconsciousness and makes me weeps regretfully. Rueful of what happened. Sympathizing with myself.

I counted every step I took thought as I made one. Can it be cured? Will I be left out without a soul with a character like this? Do I even know the difference of good and bad? Control! That’s what which struck my mind like a thunderbolt. Control! Control all your emotions and feelings.

There was an old man who used to do toilsome work all day and get back home only to get drunk and unleash his irritation and over pressure on his wife who knows nothing except family and kitchen. One day, he fell sick due to poor health .His wife, serviced him day and night. Fed him convalescent meals. Guarded his health like an angel from above. On his recovery he learned one thing .If it wasn't his wife he might have been renegaded long ago by the other person before he fell sick. Neither his friends nor his co-mates have visited him or serviced him like his wife. Even if someone has come it was only for a formality, nothing done heartfully. In the end, it was his own family who served him. He learned what by the name is called control. Controlled his anger and irritation and treated them well. And never took the dark road of anger again.

Me being a weird character still hasn't learned the meaning of control. This shows out clearly when I came out lonely on the roads of Vizag like a he-man lest nobody kidnaps me. I watched the beach road with alacrity. A few couple spending their memorable times there. And the streetlights still guarding me, reminding me that the higher one has faith in me and is still waiting me to change with the same patience I’m having to change. Waiting to change. I walk back-retracing the steps.